How to connect with people

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to connect with people

"A sweet friendship refreshes the soul." Proverbs 27:9 One of the deepest needs we have in life is the need to be understood. We all desperately need to feel that somebody can feel what we're feeling and understand what we're thinking. We all need people who connect with us. A study by the California Department of Health Mental found that if you're disconnected from other people - You're two-to-three times more likely to die an early death; You're four times more likely to suffer from emotional burnout; You're five times more likely to suffer clinical depression, and; You're ten times more likely to be hospitalized for an emotional or mental disorder. We need human connections for physical, emotional, spiritual health. We need people who understand us, who relate to us and who can connect to us.   Learning how to connect with people on a heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul level is one of life's most important skills. Unfortunately, nobody ever teaches us how to do this. You learn science and geography, history and math in school, but nobody teaches you how to connect with people. You may be brilliant in some subject, but if you don't know how to connect with people, you're still not going to go very far in life.   Over the next six days, we'll look at the six principles of how to connect with people. It doesn't matter your age or stage of life. If you're a parent and you want to know how to better connect with your children, you can use these principles. If you're engaged or married and you want to know how to better relate to that other person, you can use these principles. If you're a teacher or an employer or employee, no matter who you are, if you need to get close to anybody in life, you need these principles.   Together, we'll see that human connections are good medicine and a "sweet friendship refreshes the soul."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Connect by taking the initiative

"For the Holy Spirit, God's gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them." 2 Timothy 1:7   The first principle for connecting with people is this: Be courageous and take the initiative! Don't wait on somebody else to connect with you. You must take the initiative to connect with them. This often takes courage. Why? Because when we're full of fear and anxiety, we don't get close to each other. In fact, we back off from each other. We're afraid of being rejected, manipulated, hurt, or used.   This fear is as old as mankind. When Adam and Eve sinned and God came looking for Adam, Adam said, "I was afraid ... and I hid" (Genesis 3:10). We hide our true selves. We don't let people know what we're really like. Why? Because we think, "If I tell you who I am and you don't like me, I'm have no alternative." So we wear masks and we pretend.                                  Fear does three terrible things to relationships: Our fears make us defensive. We're afraid to reveal ourselves. When people point out weaknesses we retaliate and defend ourselves. Our fears keep us distant. We don't let people get close to us. We want to withdraw and hide our emotions. We don't want to be open and honest. Our fears make us demanding. The more insecure we are the more we try to control or dominate things. We try to have the last word in a relationship. It's always a symptom of fear and insecurity. Where do you get the courage for taking the first step in connecting with someone? You get it from God's Spirit in your life: "For the Holy Spirit, God's gift, does not want you to be afraid of people but to be wise and strong [courageous] and to love them and enjoy being with them" (2 Timothy 1:7). How do you know when you're filled with God's Spirit? You're more courageous in your relationships.  You love people. You enjoy being with them. You're not afraid of them because God's Spirit is in your life. The Bible says "God is love" (1 John 4:16) and "Love casts out all fear" (1 John 4:18). The more of God you have in your life the less fear you'll have.   So the starting point in connecting with anybody is to pause and pray and say, "God, give me the courage to take the first step."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Connect by being considerate

"Look out for one another's interests, not just our own." Philippians 2:4 The second principle for connecting with people is to be considerate of other people's needs. In other words, if you want to connect with people, you've got to start with their needs, not your own. That's how you make that initial connection.  There's an old Chinese proverb that says, "Seek to understand before seeking to be understood."   The Bible talks about this in Philippians 2:4: "Look out for one another's interests not just your own." That is such a counter-cultural verse. Everything in our culture -- from the moment we're born - tends to train us to think 'me first.' As a result, we're all disconnected because we're all thinking about ourselves and not thinking about the needs of other people.   Yet, as I wrote in The Purpose Driven Life, "It's not about you!" The world doesn't revolve around you just as it doesn't revolve around me. You're very special in God's eyes. You were created for a purpose ... but the world does not revolve around you.   Here's another truth -- If you want your needs to be met, first start focusing on meeting the needs of other people. Why? Because God wants you to learn to be unselfish. He wants you to learn to love, to be generous like Him. Colossians 3:13 says, "You must make allowances for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember God forgave you so you must forgive others." Part of being considerate of other people's needs is making allowances for their faults.   Dear Abby once ran a letter from a divorced woman. She wrote, "I'm 44 years old. I'd like to find a man my age with no bad habits." Abby wrote back, "So would I." There simply aren't any people with no bad habits or faults. We have to make allowance for each other's faults.   Proverbs 17:9 says, "Love forgets mistakes." It's not that you are blind to someone else's faults; rather, you choose to overlook them. Great friends are good forgetters. They forget the bad stuff intentionally. They don't rub it in, they rub it out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Connect by using constructive words

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 The third principle for connecting with people is to be constructive with your words. Use your words to build people up. Ephesians 4:29 says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." God wants us to take these words and use them to build people.   Did you know that the words that come out of our mouths are like a tool? Sometimes they're like a sledgehammer. We swing away without thinking and end up with a pile of relational rubble. Sometimes they're like a saw, cutting people down. If we keep using these tools, inevitably our relationships are going to suffer.   One reason we aren't constructive with our words is we don't realize how powerful they are; yet, I bet you can still remember things people said to you in a thoughtless way as far back as grade school or college. That's how powerful words are. They leave a lasting impact. So when it comes to your mouth, think of it as a power tool and be very careful with it.   Here's how to build instead of destroying with your words --   1.  Stop excusing. Stop saying, "I didn't really mean to say that." Realize that what you say impacts everyone around you.            2.  Talk less. If it's a power tool, you don't have to use it as much. one of the reasons we get in trouble is we just talk too much sometimes. We need to talk less and then ...   3.  Listen more. If I listen more, I can understand people's needs.    4.  Start building. Think first of all, "What do they need?" How can I use a word of encouragement to build them up? How can I use a word of challenge to make a difference in someone's life? How can I use my words to build up the people I love the most?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Connect by being candid

"An honest answer is the sign of a true friendship." Proverbs 24:26 The fourth key to connecting with people is this: Be candid about problems in the relationship. Being candid and being connected go together. You don't have one without the other. Genuine, healthy, deep, meaningful relationships are built on honesty, not on flattery. Flattery is a sign of a manipulator, not a sign of somebody who is genuinely your friend.    All of us have blind spots. The question that really matters is, do you have anybody in your life who loves you enough to point them out? You cannot grow unless somebody points out the things that you can't see in your life, but that need changing. Let me give you three rules for being candid in relationships:   1.  Compliment in public, correct in private.  Do this with your children, your spouse, your employees, and your friends.   2.  Correct when they're up and not down. When I'm feeling good, I can handle almost any correction. When I'm feeling tired, I can't handle anything. Timing is everything when you're being candid.    3.  Never offer correction until you've proven that you are also willing to be corrected. Remember, seek to understand before seeking to be understood. You open up your life before you expecting someone else to be open with you.   Connecting means we care enough to be candid. Who do you need to get honest with? Is there an issue you need to be candid about? "An honest answer is the sign of a true friendship." (Proverbs 24:26)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Connect be keeping someone's confidence

"A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret." Proverbs 11:13 If relationships are going to work, we have to be confidential with information. Are you the kind of person that someone can trust with confidential information? We tend to think of gossip as one of those little sins, a misdemeanor sin. But when God talks about gossip, He puts it on a list with things like sexual immorality and murder.   Why? Because it is incredibly destructive to relationships.   What is gossip? Gossip is talking about a situation with somebody who is neither a part of the solution nor a part of the problem. And if we're honest with ourselves, what we're doing is making ourselves feel a little more important at somebody else's expense. We're talking about their hurts and their problems, but in a way that makes us feel a little bit superior to them. That's the danger and the hurt of gossip.   There's a story in the Old Testament about a family that struggled with gossip. Moses had a sister name Miriam who one day got caught up in gossiping about Moses amidst the rest of the people. God called them together - Moses and Miriam. He spoke with Miriam and told her what she'd done wrong and immediately He gave her leprosy.   But look at what God did next; he invited Moses to pray for Miriam's healing - to pray for the one who gossiped against him.    Some of you have been deeply hurt by gossip. The story of Moses and Miriam suggests God would say to you, "Pray for that person's healing, the one who gossiped against you. That way you can be released from the hurt that's come into your life."    Perhaps you're the one whose been gossiping. You've been the one talking about other people. This story is in the Old Testament to remind us how serious gossip is, how hurtful it can be to people no matter what side of the situation you're on.   The truth is, when you keep confidences it makes your relationships healthier. It enables you to keep connecting with others in positive and genuine way.

 

 

 

 

Connect through commitment

"A friend loves at all times." Proverbs 17:17   The final key to connecting: Be committed to the relationship.   It takes a lot of time to build a deep connection with somebody. And it requires commitment.  I could not count the number of times that either Kay or I have felt like walking out of our marriage, particularly in the early years. But we didn't. Why? Because we'd made a commitment to God. I am so glad that we did not give up. Today, my wife is my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without her.    Some of you may be in a relationship right now that is hanging on by less than a thread. Some of you are already in the stage of physical separation. Do not give up. We have a miracle-working God. The same God that raises the dead can raise a dead relationship if you're willing to be changed.   But it takes a commitment.   The Bible says this in Proverbs 17:17: "A friend loves at all times." That means even when it's inconvenient, when you don't feel like it, even when the other person doesn't deserve it, even at personal cost. That's what real friendship is all about.   The Bible says in Proverbs 18:24, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." What does "a man of many companions may come to ruin" mean? Mere socializing can keep you from having deep relationships. You can be so busy making acquaintances that you never spend the time, energy and effort it takes to cultivate the deep, satisfying intimacy of a good friendship.    You don't need a lot of friends to make it in this world but you do need a few good ones. one good friendship is better than ten thousand acquaintances. The acquaintances aren't going to be there in the crisis. Friends will. And every important close connection begins with a commitment.      Who are you committed to? And who knows it? Have you gone to someone besides your spouse and said, "I just want you to know that I will always be there for you"? Have you ever established that kind of intentional commitment and said, "I want to grow close to you as a friend"?    Here's the bottom line: You need people in your life who will be courageous, considerate, constructive, candid, confidential and committed. But there is only one way you're going to get people like this in your life: You have to be that kind of friend first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.purposedriven.com by Rick Warren