How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse - Rick Warren

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse
by Rick Warren

You quarrel and fight.

You do not have, because you do not ask God.

James 4:2

 

Sometimes the biggest conflicts in marriage are over the most trivial issues.

If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:

 

Call on God for help. Pray about it.

Before you go to your spouse about the problem, discuss it with God.

This may solve the problem right there. Practice what I call “ventilating vertically.”

Many of you are very good at ventilating horizontally, but ventilating vertically is when you come to God and say,

“Here’s how I feel,” and you just lay it out.

 

James 4:2 teaches, “You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.” 

Conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs that only God himself can meet in our lives.

 

Confess your part of the conflict.

Before I start attacking and blaming, I need to do a frank evaluation and ask,

“How much of this conflict is my fault? I need to do an honest checkup and admit my part.

When you’re wrong, admit it. And when you’re right, shut up!

 

Be honest. Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus said,

“Why do you look at the speck in another’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? …

First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly”.

I need to ask, “Am I being unrealistic? Am I being insensitive?

Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being too demanding? Am I being ungrateful?”

 

 

 

Live together in harmony, live together in love,

as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you …

in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves.

Philippians 2:3-4

 

If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:

 

Convene a peace conference.

Conflict does not resolve itself. It must be dealt with intentionally.

Conflict gets worse when you leave it alone.

Jesus says don’t ignore it. Deal with the issue while you can.

If you’ve got something wrong with somebody or they’ve got something wrong with you, God says you go to them.

 

When? At once. Postponed conflict only gets worse.

Another verse in the Bible says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”

Ephesians 4:26

I think that means 24 hours would be the maximum amount of time you should let something go unresolved.

You need to settle it as soon as possible, before it festers and turns into bitterness.

Consider my mate’s perspective.

I can’t just look at my own viewpoint, my own situation; I have to look at your viewpoint too.

This is very difficult because it’s not natural.

It requires an intentional shift where I have to change my focus from looking at my needs to looking at your needs.

It takes God to do that.

 

When you understand where people are coming from, it’s so much easier.

The better you understand your mate, the less conflict you’re likely to have with him or her.

 

How do you learn to understand your spouse?

Listen. Listen more than you talk.

This again is not easy for many of us. It’s not easy for me.

Some of us get so anxious to make our point, to tell our side,

to defend ourselves that we don’t even stop to listen to the other person’s point of view or what they are saying.

 

You are most like Christ when you ask, “What are her/his needs and how can I meet them?”

When you’re angry, you’re preoccupied with yourself.

But when you’re like Christ, you look to each other’s interests and not merely your own.

One of the most powerful peacemaking statements you can say to your husband/wife is,

“I’m sorry. I was only thinking of myself.”

 

 

Wisdom … is peace-loving and courteous.

It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others …

James 3:17

 

If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:

 

Concentrate on reconciliation, not resolution.

Reconciliation means to re-establish the relationship;

resolution means to resolve every issue by coming to agreement on everything.

 

That’s simply not going to happen.

I don’t care if you both love the Lord and are both deeply in love with each other,

there are some things you’ll never agree on because God has wired each of us differently.

 

But you can disagree without being disagreeable. That’s called wisdom.

The Bible says in James 3, “Wisdom … is peace-loving and courteous.

It allows discussion and it is willing to yield to others.”

 

The Bible says it’s wise to compromise.

You can have unity without uniformity.

You can walk hand-in-hand without seeing eye-to-eye.

You can have reconciliation without resolution of every issue.

 

Some of you are worn out from the conflict in your marriage.

You want to throw in the towel.

Don’t do it!

It is more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship.

 

Let me close with a couple of suggestions:

 

1. Get help.

Many marriages are miserable, and they go year after year with the same old problems

because the couple doesn’t seek professional help.

Don’t go to just anybody; get a godly counselor who bases his/her practice on God’s Word.

 

2. Let God help.

The other thing you need to do is get help from God.

You can’t do this on your own. I’ve seen these steps work, but you need Christ’s power to work them.

 

Many marriage conflicts could be solved overnight if both the husband and wife would kneel before Jesus and say,

“We humble ourselves and humbly ask you to make this thing work.

We submit our egos to you and our hurts to you. Jesus, do what only you can do.”

 

 

 

from

The Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional